Can Men Change?

(Channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw)

I watched a TikTok. Don’t we all? In it, a woman was running down the street of what I presumed to be New York, asking nearby women: Can men change? Like, ever?

The answer from the women was a resounding NO. Let me offer this as a rebuttal. I am not a man apologist by any means, but let me just ask you this: Have you ever changed? If the answer is no, please consider therapy. As is highly obvious, the question to be discussed in this article is completely idiotic, though understandable when I think about the heaps of horrible dating stories I have heard from my girlfriends. Even my mother once told me about a guy that had the audacity to hit her on the open street. Luckily, that was the last time he ever touched her. I also remember tales of unwanted sexual advantages, secret pictures, disloyalty and the likes. No wonder women have grown pessimistic.

So, contrary to the title, I will not be channeling Carrie Bradshaw. I’m channeling my inner voices of a) female rage, b) love for other women and c) my experiences being in a loving and safe relationship.

I know many women want love. Don’t we all? Therefore, here are some words of advice. Firstly, don’t be desperate. I don’t care if it scares off men, but I care about the fact that it drives you in the arms of the wrong type of man. One could compare it to shopping for groceries when you’re hungry. Everything sounds good, all of a sudden and you’re left with a basket full of bullshit with zero nutrients. It is of key importance that you find comfort in being alone before finding comfort with anyone else. I know this sentence leads to eye-rolling every time, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Build a relationship with yourself and while you’re no longer actively waiting, you might just meet someone actually interesting.

Then, you need to know that there are good men out there- but you might need to change your dating pattern to find them. If you have met your last three boyfriends through your Instagram DMs and they were all proper assholes, that doesn’t mean that every man in your DMs is evil but maybe you should look elsewhere. It’s like opening the fridge over and over again, applying wishful thinking that maybe this time a tasty snack will have appeared out of thin air. Talk to people in real life (real life, not nightlife!). Ask a friend or an acquaintance to set you up.

Thirdly: I know I said that there are good men, but even they aren’t perfect. A perfect partner for you can’t be without flaws, or else they wouldn’t be right for you. Imagine being the only flawed person in the relationship! Also, a relationship will be like a mirror and at that, a very honest one. It will show you parts of yourself you don’t regularly confront yourself with. It will bring up some serious stuff and a lot of relationships work or fail whether you two choose to work through it or not. Shit coming up doesn’t mean the relationship is bad, it shows that it is getting deeper.

Thus being said, I urge you ladies to be safe. Listen to your instincts because there are truly bad and violent people out there. If you’re ever scared of him, leave. If he hits you once, leave. He will do it again. If he cheats, lies, calls you names… Leave. Statistically, as a woman, your husband is the most likely person to kill you. I am not putting the blame on those women for not having left at all. I’m still trying to teach you how to avoid these men, though. Listen to your gut and tell your girlfriends about your relationship. If you’re ever in a place where you’re ashamed or scared to tell them what he did, you know what I’m going to say: Leave. Leave while you can.

It’s better to have listened to your gut feeling one time too much instead of one time too few. I’m not trying to scare you, but these things happen, so be careful. I want you to enjoy your dating life as one that is stress free, fun and safe. And if you’re still wondering if men ever change… they rarely do.